As we are gearing up towards Christmas and that the world is facing another global lockdown, something that I haven’t quite put my finger on is casting my memory back to my 2017 Christmas present from my husband. It was a book about ‘avoidance’. Perhaps I’m thinking of this because I miss my husband, or perhaps because between the time I received that present and now, there have been some seriously rough rides and I realise that if I hadn’t faced them I would have been swallowed.
My view on avoidance.
It is a maladaptive coping skill that offers the mind an escape from uncomfortable thoughts, emotions and experiences. It is often believed that avoiding discomfort could be helpful, however, it results in never addressing the actual issue. Avoidance can take many forms. In the case of a depressed person, it could be delaying doing things because of low energy levels, it can be consciously avoiding triggers such as people or places in cases of social anxiety or dealing with bereavement, and in a relationship context it could be walking away from conflict.
Unfortunately, avoidance may create a behavioural cycle that exacerbates feelings of anxiety, thus making it even harder to find solutions, cope, and heal, or worse, the buried negative emotions might surface back as resentment.
Avoidance is a common occurrence in our lives. The justifications are numerous, such as “it’s not the right time” or “everything happens for a reason”, and sometimes they are valid, for example if we face a lack of resources or time or are overcome by circumstances. The downfall comes when we get comfortable with avoidance, such that it delays what we had envisaged for ourselves. We become complacent and avoidance becomes our comfort zone and we lose our way.
That behaviour unfortunately results in dissatisfaction with aspects of our lives, irritability and ultimately helplessness….and a lot of time wasted, when situations are not faced head on. Some of the attributes essential for the journey to visualisation, facing and changing are:
- Finding meaning and purpose for our thoughts and actions.
- Knowing our individual values as they determine how you live your life
- Visualising how you want your future to look like. What is it you want to do?
- Being open to opportunities that present, being focused to identify and take advantage of these opportunities, to help reach your vision and working hard to materialise them.
- Facing your reality. Trying to materialise your vision sometimes requires acceptance. If you’re not honest with yourself about the problems you’re facing and true to your values, you won’t get anywhere.
- Having the spirit of an adventurer such that it gives you strength and courage to persevere through tough situations.
- Hunger to reach your goal. You will be relentlessly tested and if you haven’t got what it takes to see your vision through, it is likely that you may get overwhelmed, walk away and revert to that comfort zone.
- An analytical mind to help you prepare for surprises, good or bad. On one hand to know how to keep fueling your motivation, on the other to learn to review and act so you don’t lose sight of the end outcome.
- A “never give up” attitude, because more often than not, life will not take the path that you expect. So, expect hurdles, but don’t let them stop you from achieving your goal and seeing out your vision.
Anyway, looking back I see how my last 30 months of adversity have made me grow. I never thought, certainly not when I felt that I was drowning under the sea of troubles, that I would ever somehow eventually find it in me to be grateful for those tough lived experiences. I’m here to write about it, which means that I’ve come out the other end stronger and a better version of myself. I have changed.
So, what have you been avoiding? What can be that bad and getting in the way of your brighter future?